Are you Alex James?
If you're Alex James, part time bass player with Blur, then you'll lamely quip how you've "exchanged hard drugs for soft cheese!" every time you pop up to plug your dairy produce/TV-show/shit newspaper column. There is only one way to be sure though: complete this issue's Fig questionnaire!
Campaigners hand a 10'000-strong petition into Downing Street insisting that Alex James be made to "stop talking about his fucking cheese".
1. After ten years of casual sex, legendary booze consumption and widely documented cocaine abuse, how do you fill the time between your bands increasingly sporadic releases?
a) By recording that frequently-put-off solo album.
b) By trying to shag Betty Boo.
c) By traveling to Afghanistan and making patronising documentaries urging us to consider the wider ramifications of drug use.
2. You've delighted to announce the arrival of a new baby boy. What are you going to call him?
b) Pino (after legendary 80's session bassist, Pino Palladino).
c) Dairy Lee.
3 . At the height of both Blur's fame and the Britpop phenomenon, your single 'Country House' (released on the same day as Oasis's 'Roll With It') becomes number one amidst media frenzy that hadn't been seen since the rivalry between the Rolling Stones and The Beatles some thirty years earlier. Your current location is?
a) A chic loft conversion in Greenwich Village, NYC
b) Divided between studios in Montreal, London, and LA
c) A country house
4. The rider for Blur's headlining set at Glastonbury 2009 contained?
a) 24 bottles of chilled Stella Artois, a large bottle of Jack Daniels, 3 lines of coke.
b) Four cans of Tesco Value Lager and a packet of pickled onion Space Raiders.
c) 2 crates of Carrs water biscuits and a cheese board the size of Norwich.
5. Your forthcoming solo single is rumoured to be?
a) A stripped-down, slab of raw, post-punk pop in the style of 'Song 2'.
b) A folk-tinged acoustic number that marks a departure from your previous offerings.
c) Monty Python's 'Cheese Shop' sketch, set to music.
How did you score?
Mostly a's - you are not Alex James
Mostly b's - you are not Alex James
Mostly c's - you are Alex James