Are you in the Taliban?

01/09/2011 00:00

If you're a bearded misogynist bent on enforcing the most brutal interpretation of Sharia law that the world has ever seen, then you might be a member of the Taliban. Find out in this issue's questionnaire.


1.Whilst carrying out her household chores, your catch your wife humming an ancient Pashtan folk tune. How do you respond?

a) By leaving the room until she's finished singing.
b) By retrieving the family tablas and providing a simple percussion accompaniment.
c) By brutally beating her about the arms and torso with a large stick.


Mullah Omar - The FigMullah Mohammed Omar, leader of the Taliban, and his best selling book that made him a household name in Afghanistan.

2.It's your birthday, and on returning home from a hard day's work, you discover your friends and family have arranged a surprise party with food, music and dancing. What do you do?

a) Thank everyone who has turned out and enjoy the festivities.
b) Tolerate the celebrations, provided they finish by the curfew time of 9:00 pm.
c) Silently make note of anyone in attendance and arrange for them to be executed the following week.


3.It's a beautiful day in Afghanistan's capital. How will you spend the day?

a) Picnicking on the slopes of the Kabul valley with your family.
b) Silently contemplating god.
c) Driving around in the back of a battered old Datsun pickup truck, machine-gunning non-believers.


4.With house prices on the increase, you suspect your next home will be?

a) A chic loft conversion near Kabul, overlooking the Paghman Gardens.
b) A modest flat in Subori.
c) A cave high in Hindu Kush mountain system, packed with Soviet invasion-era anti tank missiles.


5. Your daughter is showing signs of real academic talent during her studies at school. What do you do?

a) Arrange with teachers for her to be taught in an advanced stream for gifted children.
b) Consider hiring a private teacher for after-school tuition.
c) Withdraw her from school immediately and mutilate her genitals.


6. On a summer day you visit your grandmother and notice she's not wearing her burqua. What do you do?

a) Nothing - it's a hot day and the chadri would only add to her discomfort.
b) Remind her that "the face of a woman is a source of corruption" and ask her to be suitably attired next time you visit.
c) Cut off her arm.