Are you a crab?
Crabs are arguably the United Kingdom's favourite crustaceans, despite being scavengers that live off dead fish. Could you be one? Complete this issue's Fig Questionnaire and find out.
Land crabs make excellent household pets, and can always be consumed (or simply thrown away) if you tire of them.
1. How do you spend your summer months?
a) Lazing on a sun-drenched beach reading a trashy paperback book.
b) Hiking through the Tyrol region of the Austrian Mountains.
c) Being poked with a stick.
2. What is your favourite meal?
a) Chicken tikka massala.
b) Sunday roast with all the trimmings.
c) Decaying fish carcasses.
3. For what reason are you most likely to consider moving house?
a) To be nearer friends, family, or your place of employment.
b) To provide better schooling opportunities for your young family.
c) You've outgrown the discarded periwinkle shell used to protect your soft and sack-like abdomen.
4. Why would you be reluctant to purchase a pair of sunglasses?
a) You spend most of your spare time indoors.
b) Your acute stigmatism restricts the range of prescription sunglasses available
c) You would struggle to balance the frames on the two large stalks that support each of your compound eyes.
5. You are attracted to someone at the other end of the disco. How do you approach them?
a) Directly, walking straight across the dance floor if necessary.
b) By discreetly working your way across the room, chatting to friends en route.
c) Sideways on.
How did you score?
Mostly a's - you are not a crab
Mostly b's - you are not a crab
Mostly c's - you are a crab