Article archive :: The-fig

David Cronenberg to write and direct Keith Harris biopic

2012-02-19 11:27

Controversial Canadian director David Cronenberg has announced plans for his next major feature, a dramatisation of the life and work of the British ventriloquist and entertainer Keith Harris. Between them, Cronenberg and Harris produced some of the most thought provoking...

Pensioner appalled by husband's Internet Explorer history

2012-02-17 15:26

Thanks to recently acquired IT skills gleaned from a free internet course at her local Adult Education Centre, octogenarian Dorothy Ledger unwittingly stumbled across a trail of scatological-themed pornographic web sites left by her husband's surfing history. Coffin dodging...

Trooping the dogmess: rogue bowel-movement derails military ceremony

2011-10-01 16:42

Trooping the colour, the annual military ceremony performed by the Commonwealth and British Army, has survived fainting guardsmen and assassination attempts. But over 200 years of regal tradition was nearly undone at this year's Troop as regiments struggled to manoeuvre around a stray dog turd...

Truss splits the infinitive: grammar Nazi makes rap debut

2011-09-12 09:13

Lynn Truss, the bestselling author of the book "Eats Shoots And Leaves", today defended her decision to appear on a controversial rap album that encourages young vulnerable adults to reject a life of crime and to return to higher education. Truss appears with eighties rap...

David Ginola in surprise pork scratching endorsement

2011-09-09 16:22

Mark Grayson, Marketing Director of Red Mill Snacks, has revealed the new face of 'Mr Porky' Pork Scratchings: former Premiership footballer and French pin-up David Ginola. Mr Porky: un scratching nommé désire. Speaking exclusively to the Fig, Grayson quipped that...

Scatting Laine insane in the brain

2011-09-08 11:27

She has delighted audiences around the world for over five decades and is credited with introducing generations of music fans to modern jazz singing. But in a touching interview with the fig, Cleo Laine's family reveal for the first time that the bubble-permed jazz stalwart's trademark "scatting"...

Ann Widdecombe to launch range of designer underwear

2011-09-06 15:16

Columnist, author and reality TV star Anne Widdecombe added to her list of non-political accomplishments by announcing that she is currently in talks with value retailer Peacocks to design and promote a range of 'Anne Widdecombe Designer Lingerie'. Widdecome briefed her...

A brief history of 'shrooms

2011-09-02 14:04

Stephen Hawking, Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at the University of Cambridge, confirmed what anyone who's attempted to read his impenetrable introduction to cosmology has long suspected; that the majority of his multi-million selling book 'A Brief History Of Time' was written whilst the...

Are you Alex James?

2011-09-01 22:00

If you're Alex James, part time bass player with Blur, then you'll lamely quip how you've "exchanged hard drugs for soft cheese!" every time you pop up to plug your dairy produce/TV-show/shit newspaper column. There is only one way to be sure though: complete this issue's Fig...

'Would Like To Meet' team suggest Merrick "tries an eighties flange"

2011-09-01 20:36

In the revamped series of the BBC show 'Would Like To Meet', hosts Lowri Turner and Tracey Cox have suggested that neurofibromatosis sufferer/Victorian curiousity John Merrick should "try an eighties 'flange' haircut". Grotesque, disturbing, but ultimately sympathetic. Yet...

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